I am spending most of my ‘screen time’ amongst the Al-Anon posts on Reddit. I find it helpful to read about the challenges other people are facing with their loved ones experiencing addiction. It helps to alleviate my feelings of loneliness in my own journey with my son. Yesterday, there was a much commented upon post about the persons anger with Al-Anon and their perception that Al-Anon was ‘victim blaming’ them. They were not alone in that perception. Many commenters empathised and expressed their anger at feeling ‘blamed’ within Al-Anon meetings. The crux of their frustrations related to the concept of ‘co-dependency’. I should say, there were also some very compassionate posts expressing a different view from people who had been working the 12 steps within Al-Anon. Those comments encouraged the original poster to consider a different perspective. There were also, as with all things online, some ill-considered comments of the verbal diarrhoea nature. But less said, soonest mended with those things.

So, I have been thinking about this perspective. Is this concept of co-dependency at Al-Anon, victim blaming? I don’t believe so. Around a year ago, when I started writing this blog. I received some comments on what I’d written. One of those comments made reference to co-dependency, and I must admit, my knee-jerk response was a defensive one. I’m not to blame for my son’s issues! I’m killing myself trying to help him! What about the three C’s! I didn’t Cause it. I can’t Control it! I can’t Cure it! He’s not able to look after himself! I’m only doing what I’m doing because he’s doing what he’s doing! And there it was. The epiphany.

I realised in the days following that comment, that I was ‘doing’. I was reacting, catastrophising, creating rules, trying to control and engaging in the futile pursuit of trying to fix. And I felt the lowest I’d ever felt in my life, because all of my emotions were rooted in the belief that I was responsible for another persons behaviour and choices. I had started to attend Al-Anon at this time and, because of the comment left by a person who had been working the 12 steps, the pieces started to fall in to place. I imagined my son and I doing a dance together. The dance would always be the same if we each continued to make the same moves. But if I stepped a different way, if I broke the pattern that we’d be doing together for those few years, the dance would look different. It’s been empowering for me to see our ‘co-dependency’ as a dance. There’s no blame or judgement in that construct. It simply is what it is. And I can choose what move I make. I’m responsible for that choice. I can control that choice.

I have been working on that ever since. I’ve put boundaries in place (not rules or diktats) for myself and my home. I do not contact my son and allow him to direct the contact between us. I do this because I wasn’t nourishing our relationship with my contact, I was surveilling him. When we do speak, I do not give him advice unless he specifically asks for guidance. He has told me recently that he applied and was accepted to complete an HND at college next year. I do not give him money, ever. No exceptions. He now knows not to bother asking. I’ve learned that he’s picking up a couple of extra shifts at work each week. He’s welcome home whenever he wishes to come, but there is a strict no alcohol/drugs policy in our house. If broken, he has to leave. He’s only been home once, but we had a lovely time together during those few days. Of course I’d love to see him more, but that’s his choice to make.

Taking these steps has been a lifeline for me. There is no hyperbole when I say that. Has it fixed anything? No. But that wasn’t the goal. I’m aware that my son’s alcohol and drug use continues. I still worry about him. I’m still learning to let go.

I think I understand the indignation about the concept of co-dependency in Al-anon. When you’re giving all of yourself to try and fix a problem that’s breaking your heart, it may feel like a great big bloody kick in the gut. Of course, therein lies the problem. Giving all yourself, isn’t what we should be doing. I am profoundly grateful to the wisdom I’ve received from Al-Anon and from the thoughtful considered comments I’ve had from 12 step veterans. It has, in no small part, saved me from myself. I hope those who feel attacked and blamed by the notion of co-dependency learn to move past their misgivings. There’s so much hope for them if they can.