Addiction and My Son

Navigating addiction with my adult child. Anxiety & guilt.

dec056ce18f76

I wasn’t going to write today. I’ve driven to Glasgow from our rural home as I do most Sundays. I am at our family flat and I’m alone. My son leaves today to visit his dad in England for 2 weeks. I won’t see him for 2 weeks. I wasn’t going to write today because I’m extremely anxious. Some part of me feels ashamed of the anxiety I feel. I don’t want to write every day about my negative feelings. I’m not ‘that’ person. Only, I am. Currently, I am ‘that’ person. As I don’t recognise my son, I’m having a hard time hanging on to me.

At home, I hate being around my son a lot of the time. I hate seeing him stoned. I hate watching his awkwardness. I hate listening to him shout through his headphones on his bloody Xbox. I hate it every time the door slams shut and knowing where he’s headed. I hate every little detail that reminds me he’s not okay. But I can, at least, help to keep him safe.

Today he goes to his dad’s. Things are different there. He smokes alongside his dad. He drinks alongside his dad. Amongst other things. There have never been boundaries for him there. And I know, from our therapy sessions together, that he hasn’t always been safe there. But he is 19 now and he wants to go, so he’s going. And my anxiety levels are at fever pitch.

I also feel guilty. Guilty because he will be out of sight. Out of sight and out of mind. Not entirely of course. But I am, in a curious anxious way, looking forward to a rest. I’m in a strange paradoxical place. Anxious because of the risks associated with his absence. And relieved because it won’t be in my face for a couple of weeks.

Today is testing my ability to let go of the things we can’t control.

This has felt very much like a desperate emotional vomit on a blog (vulgar, I know, but that’s how it feels). I suppose I’m writing now so I can look back at some point and say……phew, look how far we’ve come. I’m not at all religious, but oh my, I’m praying that day comes.

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4 responses to “Navigating addiction with my adult child. Anxiety & guilt.”

  1. Atticus Lacroix Avatar
    Atticus Lacroix

    Thanks for liking my post! I just read your post about your son. This might be unsolicited advice, but perhaps it’s best to let your son go so he can experiment and experience life on his own terms. I know it’s your natural instinct to care and protect, but sometimes the best thing you can do is to let go and focus on yourself. It seems like this situation is eating you alive.

    I remember being 19—away from home, drinking almost every day, and partying nonstop. While it may have seemed chaotic at the time, going through that phase taught me a lot and surprisingly put me off drinking and partying for the rest of my life. Sometimes, letting young people navigate their own journey can lead to their growth in ways you might not expect.

    I hope this helps, even in a small way. Wishing you all the best!

    Like

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    1. dec056ce18f76 Avatar
      dec056ce18f76

      Thank you for taking the time to read what I’ve written and respond. Unsolicited advice is welcome here. I have, almost certainly, driven myself sick with worry. Now finding it v difficult to dig myself out of the hole I’ve put myself in. Working on it. Thanks again. Grateful.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  2. mikeykjr Avatar
    mikeykjr

    As with the other two people which commented, I too thank you for taking to read my blog. Thus, I have “wandered” (lol) over to yours. I’m glad I did! As Atticus Lacroix, said before me, your son is no longer a child. He needs to accept responsibility for the actions he takes.

    As a codependent myself, I have had those same feeling in the past. I wanted to “save” someone from their consequences. I would do anything for them including destroying my own life. Instead let them experience the pain needed to grow up. If we continue to care for those around us more then ourselves, what time does it give us to take care of ourselves? How can we care for others if we aren’t well?

    We still care for them and it hurts. Feel it and let it go. Let them know it hurts you to see them where they are. But they are now an adult and will have to accept the consequences of their decisions. Allow yourself to guide them forward in their life with love and acceptance.

    Hope that helps!

    Enjoy your holiday 🙂
    MK

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. dec056ce18f76 Avatar
      dec056ce18f76

      Thank you for taking the time to comment. I have been reflecting on the comments I’ve received and it’s offering a new perspective which has been very helpful for me. So thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

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